I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
