I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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