this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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