1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I am never drinking with the goths again.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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