marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
