So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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