They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
