whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
