so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
