I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
