Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
That accounts for only three of the penises
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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