I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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