got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
