If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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