U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
