thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
