i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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