He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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