she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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