Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
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