i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
