I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
