i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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