Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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