my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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