Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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