The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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