I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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