Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
