The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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