i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
