stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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