So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
All the doctor said was why
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
