He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
