Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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