Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
