Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
