I can text with my tongue
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize