You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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