So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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