Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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