when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
