I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
