Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
