You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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