you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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