I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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