Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
