Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
