Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize