I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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