I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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