sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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