I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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