And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
