I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
