i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
