Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
